Mia Alegría

In happier news, Josh and I hiked Lyle Cherry Orchard yesterday and saw the burn area from the Rowena fire and it does not look bad at all, I'm sure there are sections we can't see and I did see some homes burned which is very sad, but for the most part the Gorge looks the same, it was not nearly as bad as the 2017 fires, and Rowena Crest, with the hike and wildflowers, are all okay. Just to the east of it is not, but maybe because it was so early in the season, the fire sort of zigzagged and big swaths of land are untouched, and many of the mature trees in the burn areas seem okay, it looks like mostly underbrush that got damaged.

The hike was beautiful and Josh was very happy.

(I would have rather been on Dog Mountain, but that's okay.)

We also saw the brush fire areas on hwy 14 on the way home, they were small (both were 50 or less acres) and won't leave big scars either. So relieved.

I let that customer altercation mess up my entire day, but I don't see the point of beating myself up about it. In retrospect, the whole thing would have gone much better if I had just confronted her the first time her card got declined, or the second time, instead of just hoping blocking her would keep her from coming back. This is the first time I've ever used the block feature though, so there was no way for me to know it wouldn't work. A good learning experience, I just wish I had the emotional regulation to not let it effect my entire day like that. I stress ate candy and cookies and dove into hours of youtube rabbit holes to distract from the unbearable anxiety, and avoided my phone for the entire day. I missed all the sunshine and the chance to do laundry or catch up on the website. The messages she sent back were not unkind, but she did try to say she never canceled on me, when I have text evidence of exactly that happening. So that kind of sucks, but she's just confused and as I said before, her life is hard, but she's not being mean about it, and I'm grateful for that. But she is trying to avoid responsibility, or is maybe just overwhelmed/confused, life can be like that. I might refer her to other sparklers who cost less in the morning, that might be my best option in this scenario, since she is saying she can't afford to pay late fees and even the sparkles are a stretch for her financially. guh. I don't like the idea of giving my competition more business but I dunno what else to do. I get it - a lot of us are struggling. Me too. But I can't let people take advantage of me, even by mistake, if it happens more than once. I'm past that phase of my life, I hope.

The woes of service work. It'll be okay, I'll feel much better tomorrow. Maybe I can go see bear grass, or if I'm still in pain, stay home and do some gentle self-care.

It's fine to lose a day here and there, it happens, life can't always be productive, some days are just duds. I'll recover. There is lots to look forward to.

Need to organize my day in my head, I am so tired and unable to focus without writing first.

Had the most amazing night at Shadowplay last night. My DJ played all the things, the crowd was fun, I met some new people and Amanda and I danced, we have fun together. She was really low energy and in pain and left early. That was me for months!

I was excited to have the energy to stay, despite a long beautiful hike up Saddle Mountain with Josh and Tyler the afternoon prior. I've never seen so many continuous wildflowers, it was shockingly beautiful. We had so much fun. Tyler protected snails in the trail. He admitted to me when Josh was not within earshot of an emotional night the week before in the ER, where he volunteers weekly. Someone came in for chest pains, was not given priority, and ended up flatlining and dying. He is too sensitive to not be effected by these things, as much as he stays calm about it, I worry that medicine is not the right choice for him for this reason. (It is why I never went into animal care, despite my adoration of animals - I could never bear the sadness of seeing so many suffering and dying critters.) I am grateful that he can share these things with me, and offload a little bit of his pain. Though he mostly keeps it to himself.

My legs were tired from the hike and I worked all day and the club was extra packed when I arrived, but somehow I still found space to dance and as the night progressed my energy increased. I loved Derek's musical choices and people were so kind, I got so many compliments left and right. I danced *hard* - I danced as if nothing were wrong with my body. My left foot and back are complaining today, but not too badly.

(Was able to engage in intimacy with my husband when I got home, despite it being 2:30am and me being sore and exhausted, I am proud of myself for this, it was nice.)

...

It is one of those soft Oregon summer days when there are half clouds, half sun, a rain shower and then balmy sunshine, then rain again. 60 degrees but it feels warmer. Light breeze. It's beautiful. It will rain hard tomorrow. I have aerial and a facial, and potentially will sparkle a girl's softball team in the afternoon, but I almost kind of hope not. I want the cash but not the headaches lol. It might be relatively easy though, as I wouldn't have to wear wings and they only want gold/silver/black. We'll see.

...

I just texted "easy peasy lemon squeezy" to someone - I am not in my right mind lol.

...

It's 1:20pm already! First day of summer! I am so tired! I cooked a huge bounty of food for Josh, and had a tasty lunch myself. I want more food. Trying to stick to a slight caloric restriction and my brain is already starting to go into hyperfixation about food over it, sigh.

My labs came back from my second blood test - the first showed no rheumatoid indicators, which is what we expected. My CRP is 1 which is typical of people with depression. (My husband's is like, .3. We are fitness folks with very healthy eating habits, mine should also be low, but alas, the emotional stress of childhood trauma interferes. It could be worse! My childhood was lacking in some needed things but it could have been so much worse, I am okay, I will be okay. My poor parents. They tried. That matters the most.)

Anyway, there are some odd results in this test. My usual weird low sodium marker, despite the fact that I was trying really hard to be mindful not to over-hydrate and to salt my water before this test. Because my sodium always reads low and I thought maybe it was because I tend to hydrate extra much before blood draws. This time I also have low levels of other things most people do not have low levels of. My white blood cell count is low, my Alkaline Phosphatase is low - something that helps process protein. It is not too far outside the range of normal but it is strange. For most people if something is wrong with them, these things are elevated. The only thing I can figure is that either it is a really odd reaction to excessive amounts of emotional stress around my 50th birthday and the coinciding diagnoses of untreatable arthritis in my hands, feet, and back, OR, my thyroid is under-functioning. Or both. My mom was diagnosed with hypothyroidism in her late 60s, so that tracks.

Come on lil thyroid, you can do it. lol.

...

Things to do on this beautiful summer solstice:

* four huge sparkle orders to get out.
* take vitamins/supplements.

* clean my room - it's getting hard to function.

* website updates - why do I keep putting this off?!?!

* would love to give myself a haircut today - summer boost!

* would love to do some laundry but it is not too urgent.
* would also love to do the floors.
* would also love to sleep! lol
* need a little bit of cardio at some point today, even if just an easy evening bike ride or something
* some strength training would also be good.

* 5calls.org calls for voting against the public land selloff in the new stupid senate version of the bill that's being voted on July 4th - I want to find a way to make myself do this calling daily until the vote occurs. I *hate* phone calls. But it gets easier each time. My reps here in Oregon already oppose this but my understanding is the volume of calls makes a real difference in these matters.

I did manage to scrub out all the sinks/tubs this week, happy about that.

I want to cut my hair! It is sooooooo scraggly, it needs some TLC for reals.


...

Still high from last night. I was bouncing all over the place. I was talking to people I don't usually talk to. I was so so so so happy. I met this guy River, he explained that he only comes on weekends but is at Coffin a lot, and had never been to Shadowplay (which is on Thursdays). He said, "I dance a lot. Nobody moves like you."

A lady Jackie called me "perfection."

Several young girls compliments my outfit. Violet also always gushes over me, she said, "You're so beautiful, every time."

I caught several people mimicking my motions, which is delightful to me - it makes me feel as if I am doing something right.

(I wish I had been vain enough to set up my cell to take some video of me dancing - but I was honestly just too caught up in the fun of it to even think of doing so. For three hours! So fun. I caught my silhouette now and then and it makes me happy, the slinky outline and sultry movements and finger flourishes with hair swaying and little horns on top.)

I tried to flirt with Victor, who just announced a breakup with Ophelia after 7 years (they are still friends) and is a cute lil fae creature, he occasionally even wears ears! - but he is younger than me and has no interest, and I don't think he knows how to flirt? I don't actually want to hook up, but flirting on the dance floor is fun and opens him up to the concept for other ladies who might witness such behavior. There were several beautiful young goth creatures trying to get closer to him and he didn't seem to even notice. He did come and chat with me and was very sweet, and I hope to make it to his Sunday night DJ thing at Coffin.

I fawned all over Derek for making the night so perfect. He just grins at me like I am very silly. I am, I know. I feel some slight ownership over him, having been dancing at his DJ nights for EIGHTEEN YEARS lol. Our friendship is old enough to vote lol.

I love the club. STILL. Who knew this was possible at age 50.

Here is a photo of my 'fit - I couldn't get the lighting right and I apologize for the messy room. Avalanche always photobombs my selfies on dance nights, she doesn't want me to go and tries to get her white fur on all of my black clothes lol.



...

I have bone spurs in my feet! And my back! And arthritis in my hands! And there is no cure for any of it! It hurts all the time!

But I have NO arthritis in my dysplastic HIPS. Which is AMAZING, given the fact that I have hip dysplasia and have been excessively active all my life in a number of sports many of which are hard on hips.

My shoulders are also clear.

I will take it. I will cope. I am doing better than I should be, and I will keep trying to live my best life, in whatever body I am gifted as I continue to burn through this little flicker of existence. I am beyond grateful, my heart is bursting with the beauty and wonder of it all.

....

The eagle fledglings are on the nest. They are snacking on something - well, one of them is. I think it's Gizmo but unsure. Every sighting until they disperse is a gift.

Must get to work!

Here are a few photos from Saddle Mountain. They don't do it justice, but it helps me remember the shocking beauty of where we were on Wednesday.


We were in forests of larkspur above our heads, I've never seen larkspur like this.


Tyler enjoying the view.




Tyler enjoying the larkspur


Salmon berries are a native berry with not a lot of sweetness, they range from light orange to deep reddish orange, depending on the variety. No one bothers to try to cultivate them so we only get to enjoy them on trail. I try to leave lots for the bears and the birds. Such a delightful coastal Oregon treat. I fed some to Josh, who is seen fuzzily walking ahead of me.